How Am I Doing?

I find it so hard to stay motivated these days. 

I cannot even seem to find the will to take out my computer and write something although I have so many things I want to share and write about.

Usually, I would find something exciting to hold on to but I feel myself falling into some pit of despair or melancholy that I can not control. I really want to spend my days fusing to my bed but that doesn't happen.

This is a diary, right? I can share exactly what I'm feeling or thinking.

I just don’t know what it is.

Last year took a really bad toll on my life and routine because I planned things out from the start of the year and it did not play out like that. However, I am a complete ingrate for daring to say that when people went through such a rough time and barely survived. I truly think I carried over that reaction into this year. I refuse to hold on to that anymore.

I feel like everything is on pause despite the wins I get to enjoy here and there. Maybe there needs to be a jolt of electricity through me for me to truly understand something is going on and days are passing by.

So, I pull myself up every day and try to find the light within my regularly scheduled program or a glimmer of hope from the outside since that safe but effective electrocution isn't coming along.

There isn’t much to say. 

I’m alive and taking each day as it comes hoping and praying the next one is THAT day.