Still Human

Some days are worse than others and today is one of those days.

I didn’t wake up my normal way today. I was woken up to open the gate and lock up after my parents went out. I’m not going to lie, I’ve barely been holding up all year and for the past week, I've felt runover. It feels like everything in my life has been against me but I hate thinking like that so I choose to focus on other things because I don’t feel I have the right to feel the way I do. I’m not going to attribute my sucky day to how my morning started but I’m going to blame it on my hormones.

I had breakfast and everything felt fine-ish till a comment was made about me being too comfortable with doing nothing with my life. I’ve been battling thoughts and negativity but nothing hits harder than a random comment you secretly pass to yourself coming from someone else. It hit me like a bus. I thought myself to the point where everything I ate came back up and that was the end of food the whole day.

To be fair, I’ve been consciously trying to complain less, laugh more and enjoy the emptiness of my days even if I feel like I should always be doing so much more. I should be losing sleep and skipping meals till my life falls together like any other serious person but I’m so detached from simply because I don't want my mind to go to a dark place and sometimes it makes me feel like I’m being lazy. However, the pressure is enough to make anything or anyone breakdown and today there was a bit of that. A quiet, teary, and calm breakdown but one nonetheless that I could only compare to a ceramic plate shattering out of nowhere followed by immediate quiet shock.

Normally I wouldn’t react the way I did but Mother Nature decided to let it align with my period and make me feel like a proper wuss.

I can't be positive always and I'm trying to be as transparent as I can be with expressing myself on here so bear with me as the bad will be documented with the good.

I hope tomorrow is better and something funny makes me laugh till my belly hurts because even re-watching my favorite episodes of The Office isn’t cutting it right now. Today, I'll feel everything I want to feel and end it at midnight with the hope that tomorrow and next will be better days. 

The evening got a little better after listening to one of my favorite podcasts (I Said What I Said - https://soundcloud.com/isaid-what-isaid ) and FaceTiming my brother.

I have to remember I'm human and these things happen but I don't have to wallow and stay upset.